The wake
After the service, there's often a gathering - a wake, or a celebration of life - at a pub, hotel, village hall or the family home. There's usually food and drink, and it's a chance to share memories in a more relaxed way.
If the funeral notice or the minister invites everyone, you're welcome to go. If you're not sure, it's fine to ask.
How long to stay
There's no rule. An hour is plenty for most guests. Stay long enough to speak to the family, then leave when it feels natural. Close friends often stay longer to help.
What to say to the family
You don't need the perfect words. Something short and sincere is enough:
- "I'm so sorry for your loss."
- "She was such a kind person. I'll miss her."
- "I'll always remember how he made everyone laugh."
- "I'm thinking of you."
Sharing a memory is one of the kindest things you can do - families treasure stories about the person, especially ones they haven't heard.
Things to avoid
Comparing their loss to your own, telling them how they should feel, or phrases like "everything happens for a reason" or "at least they're not suffering". Even when well meant, these can hurt.
What to write in a sympathy card
Keep it short and personal. For example:
- "Thinking of you all at this very sad time. I'll always remember [name]'s warmth and generosity."
- "I was so sorry to hear about [name]. I have so many happy memories of our time working together."
- "Sending you love. [Name] was a true friend, and I'll miss them very much."
If you can, add one specific memory. It means more than any printed verse.
Keep in touch afterwards
The weeks after the funeral are often the loneliest, once the visits and phone calls stop. That's when support matters most.
Offer something specific
Rather than "let me know if you need anything" - "Can I drop a meal round on Thursday?" or "I'm going to the shops, what can I get you?"
Remember important dates
The person's birthday, anniversaries, and the first Christmas.
Say their name
Many bereaved people worry that others will forget. Hearing the person's name, and a memory of them, is a comfort.
If someone you know is struggling, our bereavement advice has information about support services.
Reviewed by the Arranging a Funeral team - September 2026.
More in this section
- Attending a funeral
- Deciding whether to go
- What to wear
- Getting to the funeral
- The funeral procession
- What happens at a funeral service
- After the funeral
- Funeral etiquette
Common questions
Should I go to the wake?
If the funeral notice or the minister invites everyone, you're welcome. If you're not sure, it's fine to ask.
How long should I stay at a wake?
There's no rule. An hour is plenty for most guests. Stay long enough to speak to the family, then leave when it feels natural.
What should I say to the family?
Something short and sincere is enough, such as "I'm so sorry for your loss." Sharing a memory of the person is one of the kindest things you can do.
What should I write in a sympathy card?
Keep it short and personal, and add one specific memory if you can. It means more than any printed verse.
How can I help after the funeral?
Offer something specific, like dropping a meal round, and remember important dates such as birthdays and the first Christmas. The weeks after the funeral are often the loneliest.